I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
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wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
*cough*
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up