I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
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I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.