I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
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My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Cheer up.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
When ur friends with white people
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.