@LizHackett: I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said "Oh, sorry" and closed the door like I'd walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
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@Darlainky: I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
@TheToddWilliams: [candy store] ME: I'd like to return this Tic Tac. CLERK: It looks partially eaten. ME: It's still in... CLERK: Don't ME: ...mint condition.
@sacha_is_good: "If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?" THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
@omically: "Gary give me the gun" "I thought you had it" "I TOLD you to bring it" "I didn't" "who brought the getaway car?" -Disorganized crime