I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
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To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS