I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
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I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
wtf management?!
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that