@Underchilde: I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.
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@kumailn: The Devil has his own Bible. He's releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.
@elvisknievil: If you ever need 15 minutes of peace and quiet from texting, tell her to send a selfie.
@dubstep4dads: "hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?" "hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot" *cops bust down door*
@Carbosly: The elevators aren't working and I work on the 10th floor. I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.