@Underchilde: I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.
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@funflaps: AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o? GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I'll tell you
@AndrewsNotFunny: Weird that humans evolved shins long before we'd need to find furniture in the dark
@TheTobbie: On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said 'when are you due?' This is why we are here...
@TheTweetOfGod: Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you've already screwed it up.