@Underchilde: I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.
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@KenJennings: If you ever want to be bummed all day, think about how Jordan's national carrier is called "Royal Jordanian Airways" instead of "Air Jordan"
@OtherDanOBrien: ME: I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. GUY: I love that song. ME: What song?