@Underchilde: I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.
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@gobmentcheese: I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, "I read what you said on the internet."
@Bunnydurden: I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
@CheetoBandito77: *turns on shower* *gets undressed* *checks TL real quick* *floods the entire neighborhood*
@freypalm: My dad: See, when you said you'd met a "special someone" we thought… Me: Go on. My dad: Me: [taking hold of the penguin's flipper] GO ON.