Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
You Might Also Like
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
“what that mouth do?” complain