you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
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Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.