@apollilaire: i order a pizza online and under special requests i write: "tell me the meaning of life". when the door bell rings there's only an empty box
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@Chumpstring: [invention of croutons] Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
@T_Bonezzz_: We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived. Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
@graceful_asfuck: Family: come play dodgeball Me: nah Fam: oh come on Me: no thanks Fam: JUST PLAY Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*