@RocketRankoon: I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I'm a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
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@QwertyJones3: But my sandwich is so dry! "Sorry sir, that's not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic."
@ThingsGoinOn: "Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don't have kids
@iresurfaced: I dropped my phone when my friend accidently bumped my arm. It didn't break but for a moment I saw her whole life flash in front of my eyes.