@RocketRankoon: I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I'm a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
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@juliussharpe: Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you're getting ready to take hostages.
@TheCiscoKidder: Cop: Why did you burn that building down? Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing. Cop: You're free to go.
@SteveSuckington: Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
@OhNoSheTwitnt: My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he's been reading the news and knows he won't get punished for it.