@RocketRankoon: I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I'm a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@SaltyCorpse: I'm eating the last of the pizza rolls but I'm puttting the empty bag back so my kids know what it's like to get their hopes crushed.
@usermcuserface: How did you find me?? Cop: Your ransom note had pasted letters from a magazine. It was between you and like 4 other people on earth.
@robotmouthfarts: [Half of my body is already in the anaconda] "Is this a date? This feels like a date."