I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
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When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.