@eileencurtright: I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
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@Reverend_Scott: [jumps in Uber] ME: HURRY I'M LATE UBER: [starts driving] ME: PULL OVER HERE [jumps out, pets dog] ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
@murrman5: other job applicant: good luck me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair other job applicant: what me loudly: I actually like his haircut
@SlipCarefully: To avoid looking at the glass as half empty or full, i drink straight from the bottle.