I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
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If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
#CatsOnTwitter
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
When I pack too much for a short trip.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”