I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
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I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again