You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
catch me on valentine’s day like
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.