Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
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My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
This is my brand.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Just parrot things