I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
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I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.