I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
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Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Follow me for more fitness tips.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.