@KenJennings: I ordered a red ottoman online yesterday and now all my self-aware sidebar ads are a never-ending David Lynch fever dream of red ottomans.
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@GoldenSpirals: He told me I was the "bee's knees". I believe I merit being compared to something more like a lemur's femur. Who doesn't love Zoboomafoo?
@NurseMurderer: I'm in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don't poop.
@RandomlyMJ: Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut.