@KenJennings: I ordered a red ottoman online yesterday and now all my self-aware sidebar ads are a never-ending David Lynch fever dream of red ottomans.
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@murrman5: [typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
@TechnicallyRon: Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can't ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
@SarcasticAlly12: A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It's like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.