Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
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trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.