Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
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For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.