I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
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*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock