I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
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INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Unexpected Judgment
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.