I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
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I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
3% human
97% stress
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round