I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
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Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Left at a local drug store…