@ElCorf: "I like my women how I like my sunglasses... Sitting on my face..."

@rachelle_mandik: -Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you? -Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.

@OfficeofSteve: Sometimes when I'm drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I'm the host from Unsolved Mysteries

@simoncholland: I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

@jewfacekilla: "Wow you're one of the nicest old ladies I've ever met!"- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear