I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
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You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
That’s fair
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that