I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
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no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk