I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
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me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Weirdly Wednesday.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Dammit Chief not again