I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
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A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.