@fanofhell: I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can't enjoy any of it
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@NervousJr: "Ugh, you're so obsessed with me." Boss: "I just asked why you're twenty minutes late?"
@LionJenkins: I measure my kids' ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%.
@SamuelHLowe: - You always have to have the last word. - THAT IS A LIE! - OK, I'm sorry. - Spatula.
@carlyken: Buy Domino's Fire everyone Hire dragons Fire roasted pizzas Delivery in six minutes or less IMAGINE DRAGONS