@fanofhell: I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can't enjoy any of it
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@stephenjmolloy: Cop: "Are you driving under the influence?" Me: "No." Cop: "Say the alphabet backwards." Me: "Tebahpla eht."
@Mobute: A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players' moms were murdered by circles and that's why they throw rocks at one.
@tiffaynay: Burger King employee: what size [drink] would you like? Me (thinking she said 'side'): fries. BK: What? Me: *more forcefully* fries.
@Reverend_Scott: [jumps in Uber] ME: HURRY I'M LATE UBER: [starts driving] ME: PULL OVER HERE [jumps out, pets dog] ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO