I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
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*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.