I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
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[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…