I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
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*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe