Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
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It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
#math
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”