@LookAwayMomDad: I paid $200,000 for an English degree and my coworker just asked me to proofread her Facebook status.
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@stephenjmolloy: [Date] Karen: "You okay?" Ian: "I'm undressing you in my mind" K: "Okay... you look confused!" I: "I've never seen a bra strap like this"
@Brampersandon_: ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts* WIFE: see what I mean? THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: "she's nuts. This guy rules*