@LookAwayMomDad: I paid $200,000 for an English degree and my coworker just asked me to proofread her Facebook status.
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@NoticablyBacon: Accidentally just told a girl that "she has a nice head" because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
@IamEnidColeslaw: I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
@ConanOBrien: I heard the iPhone 15 won't have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we'll all be happy.
@AlexRogaski: You don't serve tuna do you? "No sir, we don't serve fish here" *A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*