British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
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I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Just me and my debit card against the world
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Not recommended for beginners.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*