@LookAwayMomDad: I paid $200,000 for an English degree and my coworker just asked me to proofread her Facebook status.
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@dafloydsta: [trying to get a massage] How much for a happy ending? "Sir, this is a library!" *whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
@weismanjake: Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread
@welone1: During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
@rickolantern: I'm NOT Superman. What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.