Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
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Are these grass-fed oranges?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis