@MartaEffing: I paid 4 the lady in front of me @ Starbucks. She hugged me. Deciding when it's the right time 2 tell her I hit her car in the parking lot.
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@withanewname: Neighbor: It's July, you need to take down the xmas lights. Me: It's no worse than your stupid yard gnome. Neighbor: That's my wife.
@ValeeGrrl: [House Hunters episode] HUSBAND: I'm a freelance hamster trainer WIFE: And I tune harmonicas part-time HUSBAND: Our budget is $950K
@hobo_hands: Having swords for arms was a terrible first wish but it was a genie and I blurt weird things out when I panic.