I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
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My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
How to woo a woman
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?