I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
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The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
incredible book dedication
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right