I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
You Might Also Like
Room with a view.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.