I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
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Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Science memes
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.