@HarryRamble: I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
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@JhonRules: When girls ask if I'm good in bed, I tell them "Of course, how hard is it to close your eyes and literally do nothing for 8 hours".
@liv_thatsme: "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY 40 POUNDS OF SPINACH?" Me: I cooked it for you. It's over there, on that teaspoon.