I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
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science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
me linking you to my twitter
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.