I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
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everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
they split up moments later
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
What’s a Messi?
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.