Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
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I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.