9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
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Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate