I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
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People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Blew my mind.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.