I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
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Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
A game married people play.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Never let them know your next move 😂
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.