I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
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[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?