I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
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ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.