I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
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yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
translated into Canadian
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
welp
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.