I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
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Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Oops I deleted….
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.