I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
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We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?