@moxieblogger: I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
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@jon_snow_420: god: i have made Mankind angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it's got anxiety
@therealeatwood: “Errors in pronunciation eventually become part of the language if used widely enough over a long period of time” — linguists, supposably
@ramenfuneral: when i was a kid, i thought getting arrested for shoplifting meant getting in trouble for trying to carry a store like popeye or something
@LeiaMarieG: My kid's insults to each other: "you have fat lips like Momma." "well, you have a big butt like Momma. Thanks, kids.